i'm tired, i'm exhausted, i'm confused, i'm deceived, i'm annoyed, i am whatever.

the past days of my life have been pretty typical. nothing great, nothing horrible. just life, you know. i have a lot of homework to do, and all i'm trying to do is to forget about them, cause else i will freak out, and die.

i'm not over exagerating anything, it's just how i see things. you see things your way, i see things my way. many people say that school, especially college, should help you find your way. well, all it's done to me is deceiving me. it's boring, it's long, it's useless, i don't learn anything. the only class i've actually learned something i need is english. i need that class, i want to improve my english, i want to learn more words, i want to learn about english writers and poets. but my other classes have just been useless.

and it's depressing when you get less than 6 hours of sleep a night, for months, just so you can do homework for classes you don't even care about. my days are pretty much, waking up at 6:20, going to school at 8:00, going back home whenever my classes are done, having dinner, doing homework, going to bed past midnight. that's all. it's a real social suicide. and no, i'm no pessimist, i'm only human, and i actually say what i think. and i think a lot about stuff. i analyze, acknowledge, learn. i have the ability to express my feelings, a thing that some people will never have, why not use it?

i'm a very very reserved person, i never really talk about my feelings to people cause i know i can get through my problems myself, most of time. i don't need anyone to tell me what to do. and it's not because i am stuck up, it is because i think everybody should decide what they want to do. why would you listen to your friend about weither you should move out or not? why would you need to listen to your mom about weither you should study arts or medecine? okay, they can help you make the point. but if they tell you to move out, and that you find out you shouldn't have. who are you going to blame? them. and that way, you will never learn from your own mistakes. you will constantly, all your life, blame everybody else but yourself.

and a friend called me pessimist a week or two ago. yes, it's apparently what i am. for simply putting reality into my words. i am not depressed, i do not make things worst. i only tried to tell that friend how i felt, about life in general and some things. and all i got back is '' alex, you're so pessimist. '', then why the hell do you think i am so closed on myself?

i am being much of a prufrockian right now, but i can't help it. this analyze of myself and other people could go on and on. it could never end. but then, when it's time to analyze a simple poem, or a short story for a class. i can't. i just can't.